Sunday, 3 March 2013

My past

Well, when your driving for hours through Georgia, through to West Virginia you sure do get alot of time to think.
Which brings me to the topic of my past...
Now everyone can say wether you want to admit it or not you have alot of things you can be ashamed of... I can't say I would change anything as I wouldn't be the person I am today... I may have had more money saved lol or not as many bridges burned but still I wouldn't be who I am now.
First lets start with my highschool friends... Well highschool was either an awesome time for people or it was the worst. Well I'm not going to lie I hated going to highschool, I had friends who helped get me through it and looking back I had friends who used me and/or verbally abused me. Now I'm not at all in the direction of feel sorry for me, actually through my ignorance of how those mean people treated me I come to be so thankful to the ones who try cared for me and had my back. Also these kind of people experiences help you weed out the shady people later in life. Yet at this point I didn't fully understand how to handle how I was being treated to how to treat others, I was (and still am) socially awkward. So now insert cadet friends, I was shy awkward when I first joined, taking on the quiet passive friend letting others use me as a doormat so that way atleast I had friends.. Then fast forward years later to my later years in cadets, I was mean I was hateful and fully admitted to being a bitch. At highschool I was being taunted for being fat and a loser and some of my friends they constantly turned their backs on me so I felt myself strongly relying on my group of friends at cadets. Yet as I grew in the ranks so did my ego and personality. I treated people like pawns and treated them with no respect getting mad at people all the time for stupid shit. I dated mostly all the guys in my group and treated them like dirt. Yet one got back at me years later, taunted my heart with hopes to crush in seconds with wanting to keep our relationship a secret as his friends and family could never understand why he would ever go back to me. Only one friend has emerged from that group of around 10 to 12 people.. And that was years later, he has always been a good friend and has always been able to call me out on my shit too! Told me when. I'm being a bitch or being weird. But at the same time completely understands me, sucks he loves to travel the world as I can't see him really but we keep in touch every so often.
It's weird looking at now how I can be such a bitch to some people and yet in group settings I'm either the weird awkward one or the weird talkative one.. The second tends to get me in more trouble while the first one makes people avoid me, which can be nice cause I'm kind of a loner in a way.
In the summer I spent alot of my time at Trenton air cadet summer training centre. It was always a good time for me I always had fun goofing off with friends and taking trips into town and riding bikes, yet one year I decided to go back after some very stupid mistakes at a summer end party the year before And decided to drink and party my summer away in a civilian instructors position. sure at first this seemed like a fun way to spend my summer and so it was in a way I had a group of friends and we called ourselves "cspam"... And we were at the officers mess all the time or at Mjs for dollar draft night partying the nights away and getting up early for work... Seemed like a fun summer but it wasn't, I made an ass out of myself that summer drinking and being such a lush that I didn't know when to stop and doing other regretful things. Some of these adventures were fun and hilarious other times I was just plain embarrassed. I had at one point some good friends from there and I think in the end I've probably made too big of an ass out of myself to ever want to show my face around those people. I have for the most part apologized but that's not the point damage is done and damage is damage.
Now throughout my early 20s I told off friends, I pushed some out and turn my back on some because I wasn't thinking straight. Sure I had good friends I made in college but the way I treated those I already had before is unforgivable. Basically what I am explaining is I have made some really stupid moves in my past like not listening to my specialist but that's for another blog, but I know I made them, there is no way to correct them but to apologize and move forward, I can only make amends with those who want to and have to learn to not make Those again. Now I can say I am in a good place friend wise, I am still awkward and shy and tend to say really weird stupid things when I'm nervous. But I'm glad for the friends I have and the ones who want to abuse me and yell at me I'm done with, cause I'm nobody's doormat as my best friend always tells me I need to stick up for myself more. I think my cycle of being the punching bag to making others my punching bag has in a way led me back to being the person who at times doesn't want to rock the boat by saying something back and other times I can without thinking say some pretty mean hurtful things.
I bet this makes absolutely no sense to most people as I tend to ramble. I'm pretty good at that haha.
What I am getting at is I'm not a perfect friend never say I have been and probably never will be. I am human and human is to error but its being able to recognize and understand where you went wrong and to apologize and learn to not make those mistakes again. I know I probably drive the friends I have now crazy especially my roomie/best friend as frig we live together! That usually means buttons get pushed, and with my coworkers/friends as we are together all the time. Now going back to college right now that's hard it's such a different dynamic and I find making friends alot harder as I find myself so awkward haha but so far so good minus the bitchy ones and surprising nursing in pretty cutthroat as some women/men can be so mean or wolves in Sheeps clothing. I tend to keep my head down to avoid conflict and focus on school.

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