Hey Ho! Im Done!

I cant believe it!! i am now officially done nursing school!! Wahoo!! Ok... well not completely done... i still have to you know write the exam and pass all of the license stuff... but i can totally do that :D 

To all the friends who i have met along the way you have all touched me in ways you will never know. To the ones who did not make it this whole journey with me, i wish you all the best and i know you will get here soon to this point!! 2014 is your year and you will rock it!! 

To the friends who i made it through with, WAY TO GO GUYS!! congrats, you all will make amazing nurses and will rock that exam!! To my friends who are younger, remember that less is more, and keep going farther and farther with your career! To my friends who are older, i cant believe we did it!! To go back to school and learn all of this, and not only keep up but to kick ass at it! Way to go everyone!! 

I leave with this thought... 

"Too accomplish great things, you must not only act, but also dream, not only plan, but also believe" -Anatole France 

Florida

My past

Well, when your driving for hours through Georgia, through to West Virginia you sure do get alot of time to think.
Which brings me to the topic of my past...
Now everyone can say wether you want to admit it or not you have alot of things you can be ashamed of... I can't say I would change anything as I wouldn't be the person I am today... I may have had more money saved lol or not as many bridges burned but still I wouldn't be who I am now.
First lets start with my highschool friends... Well highschool was either an awesome time for people or it was the worst. Well I'm not going to lie I hated going to highschool, I had friends who helped get me through it and looking back I had friends who used me and/or verbally abused me. Now I'm not at all in the direction of feel sorry for me, actually through my ignorance of how those mean people treated me I come to be so thankful to the ones who try cared for me and had my back. Also these kind of people experiences help you weed out the shady people later in life. Yet at this point I didn't fully understand how to handle how I was being treated to how to treat others, I was (and still am) socially awkward. So now insert cadet friends, I was shy awkward when I first joined, taking on the quiet passive friend letting others use me as a doormat so that way atleast I had friends.. Then fast forward years later to my later years in cadets, I was mean I was hateful and fully admitted to being a bitch. At highschool I was being taunted for being fat and a loser and some of my friends they constantly turned their backs on me so I felt myself strongly relying on my group of friends at cadets. Yet as I grew in the ranks so did my ego and personality. I treated people like pawns and treated them with no respect getting mad at people all the time for stupid shit. I dated mostly all the guys in my group and treated them like dirt. Yet one got back at me years later, taunted my heart with hopes to crush in seconds with wanting to keep our relationship a secret as his friends and family could never understand why he would ever go back to me. Only one friend has emerged from that group of around 10 to 12 people.. And that was years later, he has always been a good friend and has always been able to call me out on my shit too! Told me when. I'm being a bitch or being weird. But at the same time completely understands me, sucks he loves to travel the world as I can't see him really but we keep in touch every so often.
It's weird looking at now how I can be such a bitch to some people and yet in group settings I'm either the weird awkward one or the weird talkative one.. The second tends to get me in more trouble while the first one makes people avoid me, which can be nice cause I'm kind of a loner in a way.
In the summer I spent alot of my time at Trenton air cadet summer training centre. It was always a good time for me I always had fun goofing off with friends and taking trips into town and riding bikes, yet one year I decided to go back after some very stupid mistakes at a summer end party the year before And decided to drink and party my summer away in a civilian instructors position. sure at first this seemed like a fun way to spend my summer and so it was in a way I had a group of friends and we called ourselves "cspam"... And we were at the officers mess all the time or at Mjs for dollar draft night partying the nights away and getting up early for work... Seemed like a fun summer but it wasn't, I made an ass out of myself that summer drinking and being such a lush that I didn't know when to stop and doing other regretful things. Some of these adventures were fun and hilarious other times I was just plain embarrassed. I had at one point some good friends from there and I think in the end I've probably made too big of an ass out of myself to ever want to show my face around those people. I have for the most part apologized but that's not the point damage is done and damage is damage.
Now throughout my early 20s I told off friends, I pushed some out and turn my back on some because I wasn't thinking straight. Sure I had good friends I made in college but the way I treated those I already had before is unforgivable. Basically what I am explaining is I have made some really stupid moves in my past like not listening to my specialist but that's for another blog, but I know I made them, there is no way to correct them but to apologize and move forward, I can only make amends with those who want to and have to learn to not make Those again. Now I can say I am in a good place friend wise, I am still awkward and shy and tend to say really weird stupid things when I'm nervous. But I'm glad for the friends I have and the ones who want to abuse me and yell at me I'm done with, cause I'm nobody's doormat as my best friend always tells me I need to stick up for myself more. I think my cycle of being the punching bag to making others my punching bag has in a way led me back to being the person who at times doesn't want to rock the boat by saying something back and other times I can without thinking say some pretty mean hurtful things.
I bet this makes absolutely no sense to most people as I tend to ramble. I'm pretty good at that haha.
What I am getting at is I'm not a perfect friend never say I have been and probably never will be. I am human and human is to error but its being able to recognize and understand where you went wrong and to apologize and learn to not make those mistakes again. I know I probably drive the friends I have now crazy especially my roomie/best friend as frig we live together! That usually means buttons get pushed, and with my coworkers/friends as we are together all the time. Now going back to college right now that's hard it's such a different dynamic and I find making friends alot harder as I find myself so awkward haha but so far so good minus the bitchy ones and surprising nursing in pretty cutthroat as some women/men can be so mean or wolves in Sheeps clothing. I tend to keep my head down to avoid conflict and focus on school.

True Love

I know, its been forever since i last posted, but here its goes

Im not one for really sappy things, but i believe in true love. Todays blog will explain that, with my cousins used as examples. 

On a note, i found out my cousin who has a terminal illness is not well, and passing away. Her husband of over 30 years has stood by her in the true sickness and or health. Since she has slowly became disabled with her illness he has been her sole care giver, helping with transfers, all meals, getting up throughout the night to reposition her. 

Now that is true love. To be there for the person you love through everything, to stand by them, and take care of them the best way you can. 

My best friends Dad loved his wife more than words can explain, and stood by her through everything until she passed away. 
Another older man i know has stood by his wife after her stroke, and helps with her care as much as he can and does so much to please her and take care of her. He has stood by her when he even said some of friends told him to put her in a home.
My Dad loves my mother so much, he has stood by her with all her mental issues, strokes, eye issues, all of it. Her brother is a piece of work, hes a handfull in his own, and people warned my dad before he married her that if you marry her you will have to deal with that brother. 

I can honestly say, where are the men from that generation now?? Men who stand by their wives??

I know it sounds rude but all these men i meet out there seem to be about wanting to get laid, and such.

So when my mother bugs me about wanting grand children and wanting me to find someone, i just get so annoyed. There is nothing i want more than to be a wife and a mother, but i am not going to make that my only goal in life, its hard when so many of the guys out there have no ambition, no drive, no gumption, i bet most would go running at the first sign things are going rough, or bad... 

So i wonder, maybe i am waiting for a man who treats a women like i have been raised to see, to have a man who stands by me through everything, who believes in me, and can stand by me even in my worst of times. That is what i am looking for....